these days

these days my Tank is almost 8 weeks old and 13lbs. not a fat kid really just big all together. brians hair is growing out and is full of curls. he refers to himself in the third person as “bubba” so we are teaching him to say I. emmalee is running better on those little chubby feet and says boomboon for balloon. erick and i are in a small group on weds nights. erick wont be able to play guitar during this time but it will be great to eat a dinner at church with him and have time with friends.

we visited branson and had a blast. we bought a new sony snapshot camera and are selling our pro camera and studio set up so anyone needing a great camera holler.

still got it!

yesterday was amazing! i woke up exhausted but ready to tackle anything. so egar to great my kids and feed them a nutritious breakfast. i couldnt wait to get in the floor and play with them.  just days earlier i thought this is too big for me, i could never handle 3. yesterday it was almost effortless to get out of bed nursing collin using one arm and getting the other two out of bed/crib and change diapers with the other.

i cant say i did it alone. i still left the dishes and putting away folded laundry up to erick. he did it no comlaint, i think just happy that i was feeling better. i also depend on my other two to help out. brian and emma throw away diapers, put dirty laundry on the washer, get me passy’s/blankets/pillows or anything else i request all with a smile and a high five great job! in return. ive also got them trained to put left overs from there plate in the trash and dishes in the sink. they go in with a bang because they are to short to lay them in. 

today ive mastered nursing collin while doing dishes which will be a relief for erick. because im not mrs. duggar im still gonna have him help out with dinner dishes. ive never been one to believe that being a stay at home mom ment doing all the work alone. we split things 50/50 when we are both home so things get done faster and we both have equal loads.

something else good has come of our new addition. being forced to have my older two staying with my in-laws during my labor has made me realize that maybe it is ok if i let them watch them over night once in a while (being maybe a couple times a year) so erick and i can sleep in and be lazy. it hasnt happend yet but we have made plans for a future over night stay. it would be nice not having brian run into our room at 5 am for once lol. ofcourse we would still have collin but he isnt as demanding as our others. i do request no car trips. ive never let anyone drive them anywhere and i dont see that changing soon.

so, its good times again. im happy, kids are happy and i hope erick is happy too.

road to recovery

after being on medication every 4 hrs for the past day to decrease my bleeding im more optomistic. it seems to be slowing the bleeding down alot. im finnally sick of watching new moon and twilight… after about 10 times each. collin is sleeping great right now practically a 6 hr stretch but it comes around morning time and evening time, not night time.

 the yelling and screaming that little kids will do, still pierces my ears… so i can tell more rest is needed. if im to handle them on my own ill need my sanity back first. im chugging gatoraid and trying really hard to eat…anything. ive been in bed most of the day. surely now that the bleeding is under control i can truely recover.

saturday is dads wedding. after 16 years of being single and at age 71 he is getting married. never saw it coming… im so glad he is happy but still, this was very unexpected. ive droped 30 lbs in the past 2 weeks probably from all of the bleeding and lack of food, but im looking a little frail in the dress i bought for the wedding. i expected to still have a larger frame and pot belly so thats what kind of dress i wanted to accomodate for. now im debating on buying something more figure friendly but i really dont want to spend the money.

the kids are good, i can tell my little emmalee needs her mommy badley. it kills me to hear her cry for me. if she would lay with me in bed that would be nice cuddle time but she is always on the go.

 brian is missing me but loving having grandmas watch him.

its not normal

after talking with a friend last night who mentioned i should call my doc about my bleeding and blood clots i did. thankfully she gave me that advice. the doc sent me a prescription and wanted me to go and pick it up and start it right away. something to contract my uterus again. if i dont see significant improvement by 10 am tomorrow morning i need to go to tulsa (where my doc is) and see him. i dont know what to think… what could it be? will i be ok? my symptoms have been cold chills, not wanting to eat, crazy fatigue and of course tons of bleeding and blood clots. i hope its nothing serious. maybe the meds will fix it. im hoping the meds will fix it. loading up the car with my kids and either mother or mother-in-law is going to be tough. how do i expect collin to do on a 2 hr drive.. im getting ahead of myself, i might not need to go. ill pray i dont need to go.

normal?

over the past few days ive found that getting back to normal isnt hapening. all I want is to take over my post as mommy and wife like the good old days. i would love to wake up with a smile, get dressed, fix a mess of breakfast and enjoy my kids. its not happening. all i want to do is lay in bed and sleep. going to the bathroom and eatting food is a burden. at first i thought there is something terribly wrong with me!! maybe i have post partum depression… i talked with my doctor and she doesnt think thats the case. after talking with erick and truely looking at my situation which ive really never experienced before ive come to find out im just tired. im really worn out. this hasnt happend before.. ofcourse ive never labored before, ive had c-sections where i go in rested and leave even more rested. where the bleeding  and pain were completly controled. looking back over the past 10 days i realize i went from long labor and lost lots of blood to sleepless nights nursing our new son colllin…”the tank”. no wonder all i feel like doing is laying around and having other people watch my older two. you cant imagine the guilt ive been fighting about having help still. while i was on the semi bed rest i understood it was to prevent early labor with all the false labor i had been having and to keep my blood pressure down. but now whats my excuse?  im tired? is that really a good excuse? if that is a real excuse… then when will i feel better? when will i take over again? is this ok for my kids to only see me but play with someone else? is me telling them i love them equal to showing them…. because the most im doing now is giving smiles, aplauding well done good jobs,  laying down the law when need be and providing snuggles and hugs in our recliner. i know i know… it wont always be like this. i will feel better, more rested at some point. but i need to know when. you cant imagine what guilt is going through me while im depending on others to help. i figure they think im weak… that im not a fit mother. that i wanted these kids and i cant even take care of them. im so ashamed of my dependency that i can barely look my helpers in the eye and say thank you. true its probably a pride thing, or maybe just how i was taught things should be. hopefully some day i wont even remember this discouragment. sure makes it hard to enjoy collin while my mind is racing about how discouraged my helpers must be that i seem so lazy. i did get collins new baby book put together. all of his info and little foot prints. that made me feel useful. i had done something. thank God i have wonderful people to help and bring food. i guess there is a reason the ladys at church bring food for 2 weeks. maybe after 2 weeks ill be better. we’ll see. im starting up Twilight  again for the 4th time, torn between edward and jake, hoping one more viewing will help me decide. 

more about tearing…

warning* this is a statement about tearing during birth.

so i mentioned i had torn in the process of delivering my son. at first i said hardly because thats what the doctor said… then i actually looked and noticed a good 2 inch tear and mentioned how raw honey helps with the pain… well, i noticed more pain so i looked again. i have a 1/2 inch second tear.. so, im pretty bumbed. this is all way to much info for some people but if it werent for the women who werent bashful about the child bearing process id be clueless. i much rather hear 1st hand from a woman who has been there rather than a man doctor. my husband took a gander himself and said WOW… thats bad. i keep thinking no wonder it hurt so bad, no wonder!

 this makes me wonder what another natural birth will do to me. i do know what to expect next time around but what do i want differently? i honestly dont know. anyways. im pretty much done writting about the horrors of my loins…. ill update with my next dr visit what we can expect next go around.   oh and just to clear a few things up. erick has been stating we want 8 kids. we actually want whatever God give us. he just sees us having 8 kids lol. ive just noticed some people have been saying “good now only 5 more to go till your done,” stuff like that. so, i figured id just clear that up a bit. 5 more, 1 more, 10 more, its up to God.

eclips

so last night we went to see eclips! really good movie! it was our anniversery movie with lots of pop corn and back aches. cant wait to see the next movie they come out with.

 right now im having contractions, not major ones just the wanna be contractions. the bigger this baby gets, and the more unstable my blood pressure gets,  the worst my chances get of having a vbac SO….. ive been sweet talking this baby and having erick to sweet talk it. walking , squattig, other things, trying to get this kid to come out. i keep telling it not to be scared and how much its going to love the world as if it understands me.

i totally apriciate all the prayers and suport ive been getting.

so tomorrow, sunday, my dad is taking my family out for lunch to meet one of my future step brothers. ive met two already and they seem nice. its going to be very different to have brothers/sisters/aunts/uncles/cousins and eventually nieces and nephews. its going to be a change for my dad too but its one he is happy to do. im glad my dad is happy i really didnt see him ever getting remarried because its been almost 17 years.  now he doesnt have to be alone. on the 11th, he is throwing a birthday party for his bride to be and inviting a lot of her family to the house. im not sure how many people to expect but unfortunantly i probably wont make it. i told dad if i have baby by tuesday i might come but if i havnt then its a no. dad lives an extra 1 1/2 hrs from tulsa so an almost 4 hr drive would be impossible. anyways ill letcha know when it comes. fingers crossed tonight!

will i survive

wow, its almost 10 and im already questioning my decision to wake up this morning. im thinking i should have just stayed in bed. a lot of my exhaustion has to do with our trip to tulsa yesterday. my kids have taken up screaming as an extra curicular activity. every time i eat i feel the worst heart burn no matter how drab of food or small amount i eat. im suposed to be taking it easy but the past week has been anything but. i guess my ussual helper (my mom) is getting to tired herself to keep helping out. i hate to ask for help. every day she offers to help less and less and now wonders if she needs to come at all. i think she thinks since its so close to due date it really doesnt matter as much as it did before. truth is its harder every day. every ounce this baby gains i can feel. im totally not a pansy i promise. im great at handling pain. i also updated our quicken this morning which always makes me upset. im going threw stacks of old mail that gets piled up on our counter only to find more bills…some over due. im so behind.

 im starting to wonder how long can i let the kids play in emmas crib and have screaming contests (screaming for fun not because they are upset) until im considered a bad mom… maybe 10 more min? they really are content in there…. no perminat damage except to their little ear drums. now they are laughing at each other. i wish this day were any other day than our anni. im going to look back on our 5 year anniversery and think yup… had a break down that day, swell.

to Erick: 5 years ago today

5 years ago today i married my best friend.

5 years ago today he held my hand and wouldn’t let go.

5 years ago today my life began.

5 years ago today we were teenagers.

5 years ago today was the beginning of our 70 year anniversary.

5 years ago today we leaped into the unknown.

Today we celebrate 5 years of growth.

Today we celebrate 5 years of hugs and kisses.

Today we celebrate 5 years of tears.

Today we celebrate 5 years of hard work.

Today we celebrate 5 years of laughter.

Today we celebrate 5 years ago today.

38 week apointment/ anni

yesterday was my 38 week doc appointment. baby looks good, around 7 1/2 lbs.  im almost dialated to a 1 and about 50% effaced. hopefully i wont go past my due date. that could really hurt my chances for a successful VBAC. if i go past the 10th i think ill go into a bit of a panic mode.

   so today is my anni. my hubby greeted me with a big smile and hug. it made me really happy. our plans today are much like any other. he is going to work, im taking care of the kids and this eve we have to do grocery shopping. i wish we could go to a movie and dinner but that costs $$$ which we are saving for the delivery. we are also out of groceries… knowing we have a 3 day weekend together and fireworks to watch is a great gift. we do have a new car to play with and a soon to be new baby. cant really compare those things to a movie. this anni is going to be great.