normal?

over the past few days ive found that getting back to normal isnt hapening. all I want is to take over my post as mommy and wife like the good old days. i would love to wake up with a smile, get dressed, fix a mess of breakfast and enjoy my kids. its not happening. all i want to do is lay in bed and sleep. going to the bathroom and eatting food is a burden. at first i thought there is something terribly wrong with me!! maybe i have post partum depression… i talked with my doctor and she doesnt think thats the case. after talking with erick and truely looking at my situation which ive really never experienced before ive come to find out im just tired. im really worn out. this hasnt happend before.. ofcourse ive never labored before, ive had c-sections where i go in rested and leave even more rested. where the bleeding  and pain were completly controled. looking back over the past 10 days i realize i went from long labor and lost lots of blood to sleepless nights nursing our new son colllin…”the tank”. no wonder all i feel like doing is laying around and having other people watch my older two. you cant imagine the guilt ive been fighting about having help still. while i was on the semi bed rest i understood it was to prevent early labor with all the false labor i had been having and to keep my blood pressure down. but now whats my excuse?  im tired? is that really a good excuse? if that is a real excuse… then when will i feel better? when will i take over again? is this ok for my kids to only see me but play with someone else? is me telling them i love them equal to showing them…. because the most im doing now is giving smiles, aplauding well done good jobs,  laying down the law when need be and providing snuggles and hugs in our recliner. i know i know… it wont always be like this. i will feel better, more rested at some point. but i need to know when. you cant imagine what guilt is going through me while im depending on others to help. i figure they think im weak… that im not a fit mother. that i wanted these kids and i cant even take care of them. im so ashamed of my dependency that i can barely look my helpers in the eye and say thank you. true its probably a pride thing, or maybe just how i was taught things should be. hopefully some day i wont even remember this discouragment. sure makes it hard to enjoy collin while my mind is racing about how discouraged my helpers must be that i seem so lazy. i did get collins new baby book put together. all of his info and little foot prints. that made me feel useful. i had done something. thank God i have wonderful people to help and bring food. i guess there is a reason the ladys at church bring food for 2 weeks. maybe after 2 weeks ill be better. we’ll see. im starting up Twilight  again for the 4th time, torn between edward and jake, hoping one more viewing will help me decide. 

Comments

  1. Jennifer says:

    Sarah – I remember feeling that way too. Someone told me to remember that it takes nine months for that sweet life to form and your body to adjust, and we expect to be back to normal the minute they arrive. Give yourself the grace to sit back and remember that your body is slowly adjusting just like Collin is adjusting. Not being lazy, just adjusting. When I saw your two precious older ones yesterday they looked happy, loved, and content. You are doing a great job!!

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